Angel Squad 2: Whack-a-mole

Back without any demand whatsoever, it’s the Angel Squad featuring Mikey and Cam.

Please note that angels are not particularly left-wing as that would mean they would perpetually fly in circles not getting anything done. (Obvi) Also they are unlikely to speak like actors who have escaped from a Guy Richie film so, and I cannot stress this enough, this is clearly satire. Created my my daft little brain to deal with the continuing disbelief known as 2016 to date, or as I put it in Angel Squad 1:

“I mean in no way to make light of very serious issues such as fascism, intolerance, genocide, world wars, climate breakdown, the ebola crisis, Brexit and spirituality. I think I am just at a loss with it all. Comedy seems to be something people get so why not try that”

I’d like to add the following serious issues such as the Corona Virus pandemic, the current Johnson government and Trump administration to that ever growing list.

Anyway, with a little bit of ado, here is Angel Squad 2: Whack-a-mole.

Our cast:

Michael AKA Mikey:  Head of Management

Chamuel AKA Cam:   Relationship Manager

With kind permission from:

Gabriel AKA Gabe:                             Marketing and Comms

Jophiel AKA Joph:                               Data Analyst

Uriel AKA U/the Big U:                       Head of Infrastructure

Raphael AKA Raph:                           Head of Global Wellbeing

Mother Earth AKA The Mother:       Head of Estates (to be protected at all costs)

Azrael AKA Az:                                  Outsourcing and Restructuring Director

NB: Angels are non-binary they/them. I, for clarification purposes, am neither an angel nor a bloke.

Mikey’s Office, Heavenly Realms, A Tuesday.

Mikey and Cam have their One-to-One:

“Whacka -what?”

“Whack-a-mole, Mikey”

“Mole?  I thought they were blaming the bats?”

“No, well, yes.  But no, it’s a game Mikey. Whack-a-mole. Remember that day on Brighton beach in the Eighties?  Where we decided to go as the deathly-pale ones, that scorching day in August, then all got sunburnt eating Cornettos?”

“Ah, yes.  There was not enough aloe vera on the Mother for that.  Stung like a mother too.  So the whacking thing. Was it the one with the hammer where you kept whacking –

“ – the moles”

“Yes, those lumps of brown plastic. Quite satisfying at first.  But they never stop coming up…? Hmm, not sure they get what that game means, Cam.”

“No, Mikey. I rather doubt it.  It’s that kipper bloke from last year – they voted him in.”

“They didn’t.  When?”  

“Just before Christmas when you were off in Lapland getting some early shopping in.”

“For f-. Did we not give them enough hints? Jeremy Corbyn.  JC.  I mean, granted that was an in-joke, but the point was that Tory lot who’d taken over were more Roman than Redeemer. And, seriously, him?” 

“Yes.  Prime Minister.” 

“Right.  But surely now that she’s proper pissed off they are starting to get the message? Raph and I thought that was too harsh sending those wee covid fellas in given all the innocents that would suffer, but Big U could understand she was at the end of her tether.” 

“The Mother you mean?  Yeah well, she’s managed a breather after all the abuse, you should have seen the skies,  they could almost see us for a moment.  But no, they are mainly bloody clueless.  Gabe is down there, as one of the females, co-ordinating things – nudging a journalist here, an opposition politician there. She does think that the bloke from the basement has managed to get one of his minions out unfortunately.  Spotted him at Number 10. Some northern bloke.  Apparently, he can’t see much though, has a problem with his eyesight.”

“Bollocks. Not one of the the fallen one’s? I knew I shouldn’t have given him day-release. Orders from upstairs though, something about another test.   Is it true that he was putting up flyers in the canteen, something about it being ‘better my way’ and the ‘end is the beginning’?”

“Um.  Yes, Mikey.  That is true.  He nicked Joph’s security card and got into the copy room. Obviously recruiting again.”

“Right, so you better get on that, Cam.  Make sure that’s all he’s done. We can’t go there again. We’ll all be out of a job.”

 Anyway, you were saying about this myopic bloke?”

“Myopic in many ways, Mikey. He could be a minion of evil or the fallen one has managed to start whispering in willing ears again. Remember, when we caught him with that burner phone back in the Thirties?  We were too late then though.” 

“Yes.  That one still gets me.  All those precious souls… Anyway, can’t get into floods now. Upstairs can’t afford the therapy bill.  Cam, looks like you might need to take over for a bit. I can see that I’m going to have to get down there myself, possibly need to take Az and do some recon.

So tell me, what we doing about whack-a-mole?  I’d like to whack his mole, right on the…Sorry there Cam, still working through my rage about that other deluded blonde kingbaby… and breathe.  Sorry mate, sorry.”

“That’s alright, Mikey.  Maybe we should go visit that nice smiley Mr Lama after eh?  He always perks you up.  

So, let’s see.  I’ve got the reports here… Ah, good.  Well I’m pleased to tell you that Squad Two to Seven are down there at the moment with a whisper campaign of their own.”

“Marketing?  You’re kidding? We’re going with marketing..? That blessed Gabe has a lot to answer for creating that one. I should never have brought up that crate of Coca-Cola.”

“Ha, right Mikey. Yes, apparently, they all love marketing more than facts.  Don’t tell Joph that though. The last time that happened Joph ran to the Pleiades to teach statistical improbabilities to the Federation, and we lost all our data.”

“Really?  I must have been away then. Ok, no, won’t say a thing. So what have you got?”

“Well, they all seem to love those three-word slogans don’t they?”

“Yes.  That’s frickin’ Gabe again and that free-love hipster lot.  Go on.”

“Hippies, Mikey.  Not hipsters.  They are…anyway, never mind. Best we don’t go there with your rage and all.  Right, well we have:

“Listen to each other”  – that’s mine, of course

“Hope not hate” – that one’s from U 

“Open your heart” – Raph, obviously

and

“Change from within” – we outsourced that one, came from one of the Heavenly Souls in the Music division.”

“Hmm.  Nice.  Normally, I’d say they’d do the trick. And probably will for some of them.  But the way things are down there right now, I think they might need a bit more work, Cam.   I mean those just aren’t as punchy as “Get Brexit Done” are they?  I can’t really see them on the side of a bus either.”

“Right-o, Mikey.   I get your point.  Will get a focus group going.”

“A focus -?  No, that’s that bloody Gabe again.  No, I’ve an idea.  Let’s ask the Mother.  She’s the only one that is likely to get through to them.  Or exterminate them from her being, one of the two.”

“Ok, good shout Mikey.”

“Right, well I think that’ll be all for today. I better get packing.  

…any idea where I put my mask?”

Published by Kirstie Sivapalan

Writer. Poet. Indie Kid. Crystal Lady. Pisces. Enthuser. Cheerleader. Helper. Geordie Londoner. Sharer of stuff I know. Sometimes found working in HR (but not very often) Oh, and #spoonie, living with ME/CFS. That about covers it.

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