Angel Squad: Angel Management Services starring ‘Mikey’ and ‘Cam’

cemetery_of_bratislava_by_ferobanjo007

When the world becomes a Monty Python sketch…

I tried my hand at comedy writing this morning. I was actually in the most opposite of moods after hearing about, sorry I can’t even say his name, that bloke over there who somehow is in charge of the USA, the appalling and horrifying bile-dripping, hate inciting rally with his acolytes. Then, on this side of the pond, instead of bile and racist chanting we had Mars Bars and kipper waving. (This sounds like I have gone mad, I may have well done, and more than that, I might welcome it compared to the alternative)

I found myself firstly asking the angels, wtaf was going on, I attempted to meditate. It was not happening. I then asked myself what would the angels be saying about us right now. The first line came

“He’s at it again…”

Somehow it flowed into conversation between two world weary angels, a bit stretched after a mass redundancy exercise, and rather perturbed at the shenanigans down below.

Massive caveat here. One, I have had no sleep. Two, the world has gone madder than a bonkers box of frantic frogs and three, I needed some light relief. The characters are in no way real, unless you believe in Angels and if you do you know they all have the best sense of humour, and I am by no way saying these celestial beings have an opinion about what is going on, care about recycling or whether they have been watching Love island or drink Tequila. I can tell you I’m a Rory Stewart fan, Andrew Yang in the US, voted remain, can’t understand how on earth Boris is going to be our PM kippers or not, I do not agree with anything that bloke sitting in the Whitehouse has done and have incredible compassion and empathy for the Congresswomen in the US being currently attacked for raising legitimate concerns about the way things are going over there.

I mean in no way to make light of very serious issues such as fascism, intolerance, genocide, world wars, climate breakdown, the ebola crisis, Brexit and spirituality. I think I am just at a loss with it all. Comedy seems to be something people get so why not try that.

That out of the way. Here it is. A massive departure from my serious, worthy and reflective style. I was born on the same day as Douglas Adams you know… (my hero and muse)

ANGEL SQUAD

Featuring:

Michael AKA Mikey: Head of Management

Chamuel AKA Cam: Relationship Manager

With kind permission from:

Gabriel AKA Gabe: Marketing and Comms

Jophiel AKA Joph: Data Analyst

Uriel AKA U: Head of Infrastructure

Raphael AKA Raph: Head of Global Wellbeing

Azrael AKA Az: Outsourcing and Restructuring Director

NB: Angels are non-binary they/them. They just came out a bit blokey Londoner. I, for clarification purposes, am neither an angel nor a bloke.

***

“Mikey. He’s at it again”

“What? Oh for f’s sake I just got back from…What has he done now?”

“Stolen that bloke from last time’s World Domination for Dummies I reckon. You know the one that we all had to go and sort in the end? Evil fucker. Killed more people in 2 years than Az managed in their entire career. We were on overtime for a decade”

“Yes. Sadly, I remember that too well. Az got his man in the end. Didn’t we get rid of that book? I remember Gabe doing a solid and nicking it from that guy’s nightstand in Italy. Although it looks like he might have photocopied a few pages. Seemed manageable enough. Gabe said it was under control though”

“Well it looks like he found it. That dodgy Bannon geezer doing the rounds in Europe might have put him on to it”

“Look, I’m having enough trouble dealing with that moppet in the UK waving kippers at the moment. Haven’t quite figured out what he is up to, not sure he knows himself. Can U not handle it?”

“U’s got their hands full stopping their Mother from getting up and slapping them all half way to Mars. She’s a bit fed up of people dumping their crap all over her.

“Right. Yeah. She’s pretty pissed off. Not seen her like this since those dinosaurs, man. That asteroid did a right number on her. I think I was away on leave then. So what is it you want me to do?”

“Well, we had a look, seems there’s a lot of worried faces down there. The Customer Service bods have been overwhelmed pretty much the whole of this century. They had to bring in some outside consultants, remember, in 2016. Upstairs took ages, as usual, to authorise that one. Bureaucrats. The team on the ground reckon we might to do some crowd-control, maybe a bit of security, possibly run some interference. They’re a bit stuck as everything they try and do seems to get twisted somehow. Everyone angry at everything, lost all perspective. They are going to start blaming the planets soon, or lizards, for some reason those poor sods get it in the neck, or possibly gluten. That last one makes the most sense to me to be honest, mate. Never understood their fascination with the goopy stuff. Speaking of planets, that eclipse seems to have sent them madder than those nutters from the Dark Ages…although Joph seems to think this might still be the Dark Ages and they never really left just got better toys to play with, but you know what Joph’s like. It’s all stats and pie charts to them.

“Ok. Sounds like a plan. You know, Joph might have a point there. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I have told them – ‘Love each other’, ‘We are all one’, ‘Be kind’, ‘Stop with the selfies, ‘Reuse and recycle,’Yang2020go YangGang!’. You know what they say, the definition of insanity…”

“Do you think we need a new plan Mikey? Fire? Brimstone? What about a nice flood, ooh or how about a plague? I reckon that one brewing in Africa with a bit of… I could ask Raph, I know they are down there right now trying to help. There’s that nice lad that they’ve been talking to, Rory something. A bit posh, a bit Tory but Raph seems to like him by all accounts”

“Really Cam? That sounds positive. Let’s not go biblical just yet. Good on Raph though. They are good with those human creatures, seem to speak their language, always root out the good-uns, especially the ones that call themselves… Hipsters? No, that doesn’t sound right. It definitely begins with H, Hip, Hype…something like that”

“Hippies Mikey? Hipsters are those ones you nearly smited a few years back when you’d had a few. You had a go at Gabe remember? When they brought back that flat white and tried to grow that straggly beard? They started to quote some French bloke called Satre and you lost it. Threatened to stick your fiery sword where…”

“Ha. Did I? Sounds like me. Crikey, I should never have had that last tequila or probably any tequila. Oh God, Hipsters. No definitely not hipsters. Typical Gabe, such a fashion victim. Yes. Hippies. They were doing quite well a few years back just after that bunch from Liverpool with the nice voices and floppy hair, then they seemed to sack it all in and start buying Beamers and blinging out their houses in Chingford”

“Still Mikey, there are some…”

“Yes, of course. We still have some…”

“So what should we do about this… this chinless wonder? I’m trying not to swear, not angelic at all I know, but I’m getting close mate. I don’t think we can leave it. Probably need to stick it on the jobs list for next week or else that weird bloke from the basement will be up declaring Armageddon again.”

“I really don’t know Cam. He’s a headscratcher. We didn’t see this one coming. That’s what we get for watching Love Island. I have to admit I took my eye off the ball there. But you know, poor Joanna, made me cry that did. What was that Michael thinking?

Anyway I might have to send this one upstairs. I’ve got more work on than that old fella at the North Pole. Might need to request extra resources. Have to find the right flipping form first of course. You know what They are like”

“Ok Mikey. Will get the squad down there. They’ll hold the fort. Funny, there seems to a group folk are calling the Squad already. Looks like we will need to have their backs for a while, they’re having to deal with some crazy shit. If only they knew eh, those human creatures, that it’s all just a load of…”

“Yeah. But Cam”

“Yeah, Mikey?”

“If they knew that, we’d be out of a job…”

Published by Kirstie Sivapalan

Writer. Poet. Indie Kid. Crystal Lady. Pisces. Enthuser. Cheerleader. Helper. Geordie Londoner. Sharer of stuff I know. Sometimes found working in HR (but not very often) Oh, and #spoonie, living with ME/CFS. That about covers it.

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