Burning brightly, joyously. Solidly.
Creating life-force and essential fire, until it falls –
Only glimmers struggle to stay
Reminders of what lies behind
The shadow sits, weighty and cold
Dense and obstinate, refusing to leave
It stifles and suppresses its enemy –
For a while it wins.
All that once shone removed
Pain. Exhaustion. Confusion. Left in its wake
Shadow looks to take its root
It does not see what is approaching –
Its constant chases the shadow away
Light returns, burning brighter than before
Today is day 3 of a series of bad M.E days. No relapse seems to be the same. This is one is made up of sleepiness, feeling drugged as I stumble about my flat, confusion and difficulty processing information. (I can write but not read) and sensitivity to light and sound. (feels like someone is messing with the brightness and volume on the TV set of the world)
I am monumentally fed-up with it all which in this case is manifesting in an increase in inflammation in my joints and muscles.
I woke up this morning, after 10 hours of some kind of sleep that is what I call reverse-sleep (the more you have the less refreshed you feel even though you can’t keep your eyes open), and I was thinking about eclipses. I realised what a perfect metaphor eclipses were for these relapse-remitting conditions, especially as they often eclipse is when we are burning brightly. My friend Evy had triggered the thought process by sending me a message of reassurance and understanding about M.E which I’d like to quote:
“I’m glad you feel that I can understand it. I can only imagine what it’s like by having had so many friends with the same Illness and they really are some of the best people . It’s almost like they burn so brightly and then burn out.”
I recognise that in me and others I know with M.E. We often get labelled as falling victim to boom and bust. I certainly am a master in overdoing things. I feel so happy and joyous when I am full of energy, I feel like I do shine and burn brightly. There is so much I want to do, say, experience…live. Then this shadow descends, as it does with an eclipse.
And like an eclipse each time the shadow takes over it carries a message. A message that can only be seen in the dark after the light is extinguished. It tells me the light always returns, time does not stop and change is constant.
I might be fed up now, pained and utterly drained but my energy will return, after this shadow has passed.