I am my dream

Today made me stop and think.  I’ve given myself a deadline for finishing work and my inner Aries is getting quite antsy to the point of needing a stern talking to.  Luckily as I also a bit zonked from work it lead to a period of reflection.

And I realised something.

It’s not even a real deadline, its a convention I have given myself and there will be no-one keeping score as to whether I meet it.  No meets expectations, no performance related bonus or commendation, just.  A day. In time. Nothing more.

Even my November 1st date is just a marker.  Something to aim for, a hope and desire to make my dream real.  But I know what counts isn’t ticking the box, achieving success. So what is it?  That, is hard to define.   I used to call this direction of travel but I have learnt with this kind of intuitive, message following, sign watching approach that I can’t help but feel that even expecting a direction might be missing the point.  There is a conditioning for moving forward and upward and that defines our progress but maybe that too is just a convention.  Even movement itself might be a red herring, part of our action defined mind.

Another realisation is how much my learning has come from staying still and going backwards even or the feeling of going backwards like a planetary retrograde.  It doesn’t always have to be bigger, better, faster, more.

Thinking about it there is no word to describe it. I am not moving forward along my path, I am my path.  I am not getting better at developing myself. I am myself. I don’t have more love. I am love.

Gosh that sounded very Zen and possibly spoken by my higher self.  I am not even sure I understand it completely  but it resonates somehow.  It’s not stopping me in my tracks, certainly not changing my marker but it’s there, playing its part.

Reminding me any pressure I feel is my own creation. And I can change that.

When I choose to.

Published by Kirstie Sivapalan

Writer. Poet. Indie Kid. Crystal Lady. Pisces. Enthuser. Cheerleader. Helper. Geordie Londoner. Sharer of stuff I know. Sometimes found working in HR (but not very often) Oh, and #spoonie, living with ME/CFS. That about covers it.

I'd love to hear from you...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: