Something insanely massive, utterly profound and undoubtedly far-reaching hit me this weekend.
A thought-form embedded in my core permeating my entire energy field, colouring everything I have done up to this point and probably, for a while, after. So insidious that it has carefully wrapped itself in other epiphanical thought-forms to keep itself from discovery whilst plying its influence to any parts of me willing to listen. Iago would be proud.
Well I’ve got you now. I see you. I KNOW you. And now lets unmask you. Publicly…
I am terrified, petrified of being judged.
No wonder I value non-judgment so highly. No wonder I strive so hard to not judge others, all the while judging others unconsciously. No wonder I criticise myself lest others get their first.
Yes I don’t suppose anyone likes to be judged or criticised but my response to it is not visceral, so wounded and I didn’t realise that until now. And with the scales finally removed from my eyes I can clearly see the clues, most of which I have laid out here, in my writing.
The first major clue was my exploration of my Immum Coeli, my hidden self, tucked away in, but of course, Cancer. That desperately sensitive sign which creates a shell around its soft bits to protect itself from the harshness it perceives in the world. Yes am sure Sherlock would have consider that deduction beneath him. Maybe it would be more fitting for Clouseau.
But the biggest clue was the fallout from last Sunday’s shenanigans. Whatever this physical manifestation is I can feel the red hot poker piercing judgment around me…So I reach for explanations, defences, rationales that can ward off these dull-eyed judges.
My spiritual teachings tell me that judgment of others is about them not me so I shrug it off. But it didn’t get far. Because I realised I do care. Boy, do I care. And the wound is deep. So deep that all the tiny crab can do is a futile gesture of coating its shell further conveniently forgetting that that judgment has no trouble piercing its armour.
Oh. And Dear.
Yes, Mercury, beaming away there, you did do that. You helped me see the light, or in this case the dark. Your methods are so severe that I feel the stern hand of Saturn in there with maybe some Martian influence but its your backwards trek, rifling through my psyche that brought this culprit before me.
And now the test. Do i judge the judgment or give it love and healing. I know what my ego wants to do.
But a soft and kind voice reminds me that the judgment I fear is not of others but my own. When I accept that the healing can begin.
It brings to mind the Hawaiian healing mantra which recognises all healing comes from within so I say, softly, to those thoughts whirring inside of me:
I am sorry
Please forgive me
I love you