Self-imposed obstacle course

That retrograde Mercury is biting hard today. My body has gone into energy conservation mode and thoughts are not moving easily from one point to another. Everything feels dense, the gravity around me is much stronger like every atom has decided to clump together.

Not much else to do than allow the energy to recharge.

Being positive, upbeat and moreover patience takes practice for me. I lifelong conscious choice of how I want to be. I work had at mindfulness, observing the ego, finding the sliver lining. But on days like this my lessons get forgotten, the little stompy sour girl inside takes over and it all gets a bit dark.

So protect yourselves because I’m about to vent.

I am…frustrated. Frustrated as an emotional response and feel like my efforts are frustrated. I actually want to say “Grrrrrrr”

I look back at my posts early January and I felt healthy and strong. I was raring to go, full of energy and could see a clear road ahead. Then. BAM! Up comes the obstacle course. I manage to catch a bug which floors me for longer than I’d like and then brain and body start to go in reverse. Their own retrograde motion.

Seriously, (you upstairs lot) have there not been enough obstacle courses for me so far? I mean I’ve got that big practically unjumpable fence called M.E, do you need to throw others in there?

And it comes to me… the voice again. Not a crystal this time but a phrase:
“self-imposed limitations”

This is best illustrated by the tarot card, Eight of Swords, often depicted as a someone bound and blindfolded surrounded by swords. At first glance she appears to be trapped, stuck and a victim of an external force.
Looking deeper you see that there is a gap in the Swords and the only way she got inside was by walking in there willingly. And as the gap is still there she can also walk away at any time.

The obstacle course is of my own design. Ouch.

No external force just an interpretation of the reality I have chosen to create for myself. Its that tension of patience and acceptance over activity and expectation. For a moment there I planted swords of expectation around me and add a few of judgment for good measure.

Right then, time to walk back out, dismantle those obstacles and get back to it. Take some deep breaths, dig deep for that patience and return to my practice.

…I might just have a little nap first.

Published by Kirstie Sivapalan

Writer. Poet. Indie Kid. Crystal Lady. Pisces. Enthuser. Cheerleader. Helper. Geordie Londoner. Sharer of stuff I know. Sometimes found working in HR (but not very often) Oh, and #spoonie, living with ME/CFS. That about covers it.

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