I am pretty tired today.
Tiredness alarms me. I’d rather it didn’t but this is one of the life lessons where i’m probably getting a C minus.
I’ve not written about this part of my life yet. Mainly because I don’t really want to give it such prominence but there it is, slap bang in the middle, M.E.
M.E or Myalgic Encephalomyelitis is the term or more accurately label given to a set of symptoms I’ve had since glandular fever at 18. Fatigue, joint pain, insomnia (always a fun one with chronic fatigue in the mix), muscle fatigue, cognitive disturbances or “brain fog”, air hunger, digestive problems, sore throat have been prevalent on and off since I was a student.
I’m not going to go into the whys and wherefores as to the condition. I’ve researched it to the point of going back on myself and heard any and every possible explanation for it. So far they are theories, ideas, funding proposals, nothing concrete. What I do know is that for whatever reason it’s there. Ignoring it doesn’t help neither does indulging it. It’s there and I can learn to live with it or not. My choice.
I also know that I can choose embrace it as a challenge, a lesson. What does it teach me? With M.E I need to manage my energy and make an active choice where to spend it. Consequently this means I ask myself whether the activity is something I want to do. Is it healthy? Am I being motivated by love or by guilt? Does it help me in the long term? Does it make me happy?
I’ve written previously that I don’t always get the balance right. So I think M.E is teaching me about balance too. The balance between self-care and helping people, between contentment and hedonism.
Meditation and non-thinking has been invaluable in this. Sometime I can’t find the answer to the most scary question of all “How tired am I really?” Being still and taking time to breathe can help take the emotional charge out that question.
So here I am embarking on setting up a business. Not just any business, but a shop. With M.E. And don’t think I don’t know how tough that can be. And yes, this terrifies me the most.
But with the challenges comes the support. Those helping hands, the cheerleaders, the connections and of course the guidance from the upstairs lot.
Its my dream. Tired or not, it’s a path I am choosing to follow.
In faith and in hope.